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I consider myself a really nice person. I give money to charity. I dedicate my free time to help out with various volunteer organizations. Let’s face it: I’m pretty swell. One of the nicest things I’ve ever done was when I selflessly sacrificed my own life so that my love would protect my young son, Harry, from Lord Voldemort’s killing curse. And I’m not unique in that I try to do nice things for others. In fact, I’m not unique at all. I’m as common as a rat. That’s right, a rat. A recent scientific study shows that rats, just like humans, go out of their way to help each other!

I must say, I’m quite fascinated by this research. True, we’ve always known of at least one rat that acts as a tremendous sensei to certain turtles, and another that cooks one mean ratatouille. Still, I didn’t generally think of rats as magnanimous creatures that help each other out. In fact, I used to rather dislike and consider them mean, rude, and vile. But as a man who appreciates the work of science, I guess it’s time for me to start singing a different tune. Trust me; this is unfortunate, because my old tune was pretty catchy.

This should teach us all a valuable lesson: don’t judge a book by its cover. On a related note, don’t judge a book by the contents inside, either. Just take my word for it: I’m the one who saved Harry Potter! I’m a hero! [EDITOR’S NOTE: Max, I’m tired of you claiming to be Lilly Potter. You’re not. Stop in by my office before you leave tonight.]