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Happy New Years, everybody!

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Do you know what’s happening this weekend? Oh, seriously? You don’t? Then um, open a calendar. It’s fine, I’ll wait…

That’s right, it’s the start of 2012! In addition to doing whatever you normally do to bring in the New Year – rocking out with Dick Clark and Ryan Seacrest, burning scarecrows, pouring lead, or just spending time with friends – why not make the new year the beginning of a new you? Only iMingle Max Nobody is perfect, and New Years is a great time to start New Year’s Resolutions! Well, I guess it’s the only time to start New Year’s Resolutions; otherwise they’d just be resolutions.

If you’ve already thought of your resolution, great! Congratulations and good luck! If not, maybe one of these will strike your fancy:

The sky’s the limit! I’m always one for bettering himself, (or I would be if I weren’t already perfect in every way. Please Editor, don’t delete this! The world must know!) so I love New Years. What are your special plans? Will you be making any New Year’s Resolutions? See you in the comments!

Max

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Why’d I get involved in a hostage situation? I was too tired to drive!

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These days, there’s just too much to do and not enough time to do it. Not that I’m complaining. When my grandpa was my age, he had to walk fifteen miles in the snow just to get to school, uphill both ways! Then when he got home, he did chores from sunrise to sunset, studied enough to get straight As, and was the captain of every sport, from football to chess boxing. Hmmm, now that I think about it, he may have been exaggerating how grueling his childhood was…

Still, in a typical day, many Americans simply don’t get enough sleep. Thus, it’s perfectly understandable that they’d want to take a nap. And maybe if they’re unusually tired, it’s a bit harder to wake them from their slumber - perhaps their alarm clock rings for an extra minute. Or perhaps, when cops mistakenly think they’re involved in a hostage situation (happens to me about once a month), they sleep through the entire thing.

Wow. That’s just, wow. I’ve heard about sleeping through alarms, but that is absolutely insane. It just goes to show the effect that fatigue has on the body. I’m glad he was snoozing at home, not doing something like driving a car. Have you ever heard that driving drowsy is like driving drunk? While I’m not saying that being a little sleepy makes you as inattentive to the road as a six-pack of beer, it’s not as far off as you may think. Stay safe out there! If you think you’re too tired to drive, you probably are.

Max

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Even if you can’t foot the bill, please don’t steal!

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Unfortunately, times are tough right now. I certainly sympathize with those who have had difficulty paying their bills and sincerely hope that things will pick up soon. While some are having trouble paying for utilities, education, food, and other important expenses, there are others who bemoan their inability to pay for…pedicures. Or there’s at least one of them. Jonah Troutman, a homeless man from Orlando, Florida, saw a credit card on the ground and instead of doing the right thing (reporting it to the authorities), or even the wrong but logical thing (using the stolen card to pay for food or clothing), he went and tried to get a pedicure!

I’ll admit – I’ve never had a pedicure myself, so I can’t say one way or another if they’re all that nice. That being said, it just seems like a weird thing to steal. Kind of like stealing an alligator. Fun fact – did you know that in Louisiana, the penalty for stealing an alligator is up to ten years in prison? It’s also illegal to rob a bank and then shoot the teller with a water gun. What if somebody stole an alligator to assist a bank robbery…a bank robbery in which a teller becomes soaking wet due to a $170 water gun? Yikes, that would be quite the crime spree!

This reminds me – it’s time for my next pedicure! Oh wait, didn’t I just mention I’ve never had one before? There I go again, putting my foot in my mouth…

Max

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Harry Potter and the Benevolent Rodents

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I consider myself a really nice person. I give money to charity. I dedicate my free time to help out with various volunteer organizations. Let’s face it: I’m pretty swell. One of the nicest things I’ve ever done was when I selflessly sacrificed my own life so that my love would protect my young son, Harry, from Lord Voldemort’s killing curse. And I’m not unique in that I try to do nice things for others. In fact, I’m not unique at all. I’m as common as a rat. That’s right, a rat. A recent scientific study shows that rats, just like humans, go out of their way to help each other!

I must say, I’m quite fascinated by this research. True, we’ve always known of at least one rat that acts as a tremendous sensei to certain turtles, and another that cooks one mean ratatouille. Still, I didn’t generally think of rats as magnanimous creatures that help each other out. In fact, I used to rather dislike and consider them mean, rude, and vile. But as a man who appreciates the work of science, I guess it’s time for me to start singing a different tune. Trust me; this is unfortunate, because my old tune was pretty catchy.

This should teach us all a valuable lesson: don’t judge a book by its cover. On a related note, don’t judge a book by the contents inside, either. Just take my word for it: I’m the one who saved Harry Potter! I’m a hero! [EDITOR’S NOTE: Max, I’m tired of you claiming to be Lilly Potter. You’re not. Stop in by my office before you leave tonight.]

Max

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Guess whose doghouse is worth more than ten of your cars?

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My dog iMingle Mac is one of the most important parts of my life. Every day after getting home to 123 Mascot Lane, I take him for a nice walk and play with him. So I can certainly appreciate people who care for their pets. That being said, it’s one thing to buy an animal a nice bone and make sure their vaccinations are in order. It’s another to spend about sixteen thousand dollars on a rabbit hutch (like a birdcage, but for rabbits).

I’ll say, it’s pretty ridiculous. They’re animals and probably happy just to have a loving environment where they don’t have to worry about food and a warm place to sleep. Mac sleeps on my carpet and couldn’t be happier. Not even if he were owned by Paris Hilton; you know, the rich socialite who paid $325,000 for a dog house? To answer your question: yes, Ms. Hilton’s dog house is more expensive than your average house!

If somebody’s willing to pay for it, there must be somebody willing to sell it. And if somebody is selling it, somebody who can’t afford it wants it. I feel that everybody should give a little bit of their time volunteering to help others; I’m a big fan of Habitat for Humanity®. But if I get an e-mail telling me the next site is a doghouse, I can’t promise I’ll keep my sanity.

Max

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Waiter, there’s a cannonball in my soup.

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Do you ever watch the show “Mythbusters”? If you don’t, it’s pretty neat and I’d recommend giving it a look. It involves a group of scientists going around to determine if certain myths are true, such as whether a penny dropped from high enough will cut through the sidewalk (busted: ever hear of terminal velocity?) or if a lighter sometimes explodes when placed under a welding tool (confirmed: do not try this at home).

Anyways, they recently decided to test the age-old myth: do people get irritated when you don’t give them any warning and hit their house with a cannon? Accident or not, it’s something I’ve wondered for years and can’t wait for that episode to air. At least that cannonball simply missed, it’s not like the cannon was aimed at the home thinking it was the target. That would never happen, right? Of course not. These days, when demolishing the wrong home, construction companies don’t use cannonballs!

Hopefully, the homeowner will be well-compensated for his loss and troubles. While it’s never a good thing to have one’s house destroyed by flying cannonballs, it makes for a good story. I’d rank it well above “home destroyed in a fire” but somewhere below “stolen by the world’s largest burglar”.

Max

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Dolla Dolla (times a million) Bill, Y’all!

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I encourage everyone I know to make sound financial decisions. Do smart things: put away a little bit of your income into a “rainy day fund” each paycheck, get a quote to see if the switch to iMingle Insurance might save you some green, make your own meals more often, and stop buying so much authentic gold jewelry because you think you’ll become a successful and professional Mr. T impersonator. Or, you could ignore all of that advice and just do what you feel like since you won the lottery.

Delma Kinney, the luckiest man outside of that one Ben Folds Five song, just defied the odds again. That’s right, again. Not content to be a one-time millionaire just for going to his local gas station and picking up a piece of paper with numbers on it, he won the lottery for the second time in three years! The odds of him winning once were roughly one in five million. By my math, that means that his odds of winning twice were one in eleventy zabillion. That’s right: the odds were so slim that I had to make up a number just to illustrate them. No, I didn’t do very well in high school algebra. Why do you ask?

I’ll admit that I’m a bit envious of him. What would you do if you suddenly came across all that money? Give it to charity? Sail around the world on a yacht? Put it away and keep on working, because you have the greatest job ever as an insurance mascot? See you in the comments!

Max

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Will Online Dating Help Me Get Rid of My Gummy Bear?

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If you regularly read my blog, you know that I like to include the occasional reference to strange records and unique twists on more common items. Naturally, I was quite excited when somebody recently showed me something that’s twenty six pounds of pure…where do you think I’m going with this? Muscle? Condensed air? An enormous vat of Bacon Salt®? I’ll give you a hint. It’s twenty six pounds of gummy. For just under $150, you too can order the world’s largest gummy bear!

I couldn’t be happier about this revelation. I’m going on this hot date next weekend and was racking my brain thinking of what we should do. Anybody and his uncle can buy her flowers and take her out to dinner. It takes a real man to buy her an astonishingly giant piece of candy (with a lame pun about how sweet she is), start driving to dinner, and then instead make a detour to the hospital so you can both have your stomachs pumped. It shows her you’re impulsive, and girls like that, right? I hope so. I got in touch with this woman through an online dating site just for Ayn Rand fans, so she’s clearly a keeper. It has to go perfectly.

If it doesn’t go well, I guess it’s not the end of the world. I can always try other online dating sites, like Darwin Dating, which is exactly what it sounds like: survival of the fittest. By fittest, they of course mean people who are subjectively considered good-looking or otherwise kicked off the site. And if that doesn’t work, I’ll just create my own online dating site. And no, it wouldn’t be called iMingle, silly – iMingle is an insurance provider! Maybe I’d call it Love for Gummy Bear Lovers!

Max

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This sixty-year old kicks some…footballs!

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If you’re an avid college football fan like 44% of Americans, or even if you’re not, you must realize that the average college football player is in his late teens or early twenties. Sure, you’ll occasionally have someone like Chris Weinke, who decided to throw around the pigskin at Florida State after a few years of professional baseball, but still, he’s not tremendously older than the rest. Certainly, there aren’t any current college football players born before Dwight Eisenhower’s presidency, are there?

I’m pretty sure you know where this is going. This would be a pretty weird post if the answer was no, wouldn’t it? What would I write about? Alpaca farms? Gangster rap songs that can be played exclusively on the kazoo? (NOTE: If you know of any gangster rap songs that can be played exclusively on the kazoo, please let me know in the comments.) Anyways, meet Alan Moore. Like many other 61-year olds, he’s a grandfather. Unlike any other 61-year olds, he’s also a football player. He’s officially the oldest college football player in history.

Mr. Moore is quite admirable. Never one to give up his dreams, he’s playing football again, decades after being derailed the first time by the Vietnam War. We can all learn a lesson from him. What was it you wanted to do weeks, months, years, or even decades ago? Write a book? Learn how to speak a foreign language? Go ahead, give it a shot! If a one-hundred year old can finish a marathon, what’s stopping you from reaching your goals?

Max

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